Site Cleared of Toppled Statue

Plains - Crews have cleared the rubble and damaged shrubbery from the site of last weeks toppling of a controversial statue. The statue, a gift from Democrats of Evanston, Indiana, had long been the target of protestors and vandals who claimed it was offensive to local peanut farmers.

Authorities are refusing to disclose the location of the statue; only saying, "It is in an undisclosed location for safe storage". A decision will be made soon on the disposition of the statue and the future use of the previos site where it stood.

Spokespersons for the local farmers want a new monument placed on the site that better represents a South Jawjah farmer.

See (p. 2) for photo of site.
See (p. 3) for exclusive photo of crime scene.
See (p. 4) for photos of suspects.

DNA Results Confirm Suspicions

Griffin - UGA scientists reported results of DNA tests performed on remains found in several Atlanta locations last week. The remains, collected from apartments and restaurants, belong to several individuals "closely related to P. N. Goober", said lead crop tech, Intha Knowes. The investigation continues.

Goober remains jailed, unable to raise bail. He has been loudly denying his guilt and has even been dropping names of others he says are guilty of "creaming" his offspring. Authorities say he is using street names and have no clue as to the true identity of those he accuses. Among those named are P-Pan, Jiff, Skippi, Smucks and B-Smooth. Anyone with information about the case should call the SGSPCPNF hot line NUT STO-YOU2.

See (p. 6) for photos of evidence.