REDNECKS

PAY HEED TO THA FOLLOWIN' ADD-VICE




[ PERSONAL HYGIENE][ DINING OUT]
[ ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ]
[ DATING (Outside the Family)]
[ THEATER][ WEDDINGS][ DRIVING ]
[ TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS ]




PERSONAL HYGIENE

  1. Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
  2. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  3. Proper use of toiletries can forstall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the tastes of finger foods.
  5. Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.




DINING OUT

  1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
  2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
  3. Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.




ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

  1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  2. Never allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.
  3. Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
  4. If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.




DATING (Outside the Family)

  1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  2. No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
  3. Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago."
  4. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the boy's responsibility to get her to school on time.
  5. If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
  6. Even if you can't get a date, avoid kidnapping. It's bad for your reputation.




THEATER

  1. Take crying babies to the lobby and don't forget to pick them up immediately after the movie has ended.
  2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
  3. Do not roll your cans or bottles to see how far you can get them to go.
  4. Pour left over drinks as close to the center of the row as possible. If folks enter and leave to the nearest end they won't get sticky shoes.
  5. If you must spit, do it quietly.




WEDDINGS

  1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  2. It is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
  3. When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
  4. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
  5. A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.
  6. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance.
  7. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.




DRIVING ETIQUETTE

  1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
  2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
  4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
  6. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
  7. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.




TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

  1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
  2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  3. Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
  4. Never be so tacky as to take a cooler to church.
  5. Never be so tacky as to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home; even if you're certain that you are included in the will.
  6. Never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are looking.
  7. If you have to vacuum the bed; it's time to change the sheets.
  8. Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.







HUMOR PAGES

UMTEEN WAYS TO ANNOY YANKEES
YANKEE'S GUIDE TO ATLANTA
ETIQUETTE FOR YANKEES IN THE SOUTH
ETIQUETTE FOR REDNECKS
WHAT'S HELL TO A BIG EATER ?
HAZARDOUS SUBSTANCE ?

HOME



Page design copyright © 2000 T. R. Landrum all rights reserved. Thanks to Art for the inspiration and start on this page.